Like A Fish

How would I keep this a secret? Why a secret, you might ask. Well, once you lose a baby, you aren't eager to go around telling everyone you are pregnant again. I knew I could keep my mouth shut. The problem was going to be my demeanor and mannerisms. For instance, I drank like a fish. How exactly, would I explain the fact that I no longer consumed alcohol? Red flag number one. I also drank caffeine daily. If I suddenly quit, that would be red flag number two. Then there was this stupid fucking gym membership. I was terrified to work-out. I had read all the baby books. All the "Do Not" lists. Most of them said working out was fine, but there was always that last word of caution... and it always went straight to the back of my mind. And in the back of my mind my subconscious was waiting to remind me, "You were running everyday when you lost the baby..." And so I quit doing anything. Gaining one hundred pounds was better than going through the torment of losing another baby. And so I quit drinking like a fish. I quit drinking caffeine. I quit working out. I quit laughing. I started crying. The bitch of getting what you wanted, is that the only thought you have afterwards is the thought of losing it all.