The Lucky Ones

The summer weeks wore on and on. My mind began practicing exercises in torture, as I like to refer to them. I would make myself think about what it was really going to be like once she was gone. I wouldn't do it for very long--I couldn't. But the thoughts would surface here and there. We would be at a party or some other joyous occasion. My Mom would say something funny or laugh her ridiculously loud laugh at something only she found funny and the thought would creep in, What's it going to be like when no one laughs at your brother making fun of the man he sat next to in the theater yesterday? What is it going to FEEL like when someone knocks on your door at nine o' clock at night and instead of it being your mom jumping out from behind the door and trying to scare you like she is a five year old, it is just some crack-head mistaking your house for the neighbor's? What will it be like when--STOP. Please put your pencils down and do not move on to the next test until the administrator gives you the go ahead.



It was truly an exercise. Just as a body-builder can only do so many repetitions before his body cries, "Stop!" the first time he tries, I could only imagine the world being devoid of my mother for so many milli-seconds before my mind would shut down and crawl back into the comforting shadow of the denial that had consumed my entire psychological schematic. The denial was a safe place. A stranger pulling over to offer you a ride home as you are walking alone in the rain. And here, have some candy and a pop while you sit next to me in the front seat. The entire time you are driving, you feel safe and thankful that the stranger saw you walking all by yourself and was nice enough to pull over. You feel safe and thankful until the car stops and you realize you aren't in front of the address you gave the man behind the wheel.

And so, I would find myself thinking about not having my mother around, and at the same time NOT thinking about it. And some days I would be very, very good at forgetting the exercises completely. There would be extremely good days, when she would be over her sickness from chemo the week before and we would have a few days before she had to go back in for more. We would go shopping or to the movies, or just have the whole family over to the house for pizza and rentals at home. And we could forget... for awhile. The exercises didn't seem so... relevant. She was ok! Look, she is even EATING. She hasn't done that in a couple days. Surely, the doctors were wrong and she has more time! And we could smack that little gnawing pest at the back of our skull and it would submit and go lay on the carpet in the corner of our minds for a little while and leave us alone.

I am sure you all can relate to that gnawing feeling of which I write, even if you haven't watched someone suffer through a terrible disease. It is similar to when you KNOW you have forgotten something at home while on your way to a beach for vacation. Or that feeling you get when you realize that the name of the person waving wildly and running up to you has completely escaped your memory. That feeling that something isn't quite right, but you can't put your finger on it yet. That feeling you get when you are out having a great time with some friends, when you really should be somewhere else. You just made up some lame excuse so you could hang out with your friends. Recall that feeling and multiply it a few times. THAT is very similar to the feeling of having a great time with someone you love, and then suddenly remembering that they are not going to be ok.

But that feeling is really reserved for us lucky ones, isn't it? At least we KNEW in advance that everything was not ok. We had time to prepare, time to say good-byes... right? After all, no one's time here on earth is guaranteed. Any one could go at anytime. We were lucky to have at least that awareness of what was happening, as hard as it may be to deal with. We had been given the time to refocus our energies on spending time with those of us we loved. Our perspectives had been forever altered. It was like being given a super-power you didn't want. You could suddenly see everything that was truly important, and cast away all the things that weren't. Too many people around us were losing loved ones unexpectedly with no warning. That had to be worse... didn't it?