Negative, Negative, Negative

I started back to school in August. I had traded in my two bedroom apartment a block from campus and complete with two lovable roomates, for a one-bedroom apartment fifty minutes away, complete with a new husband and a puppy that wouldn't stop pissing all over the furniture and floor. But, I only had one more year before I would graduate with two degrees. I could DO this. Besides, Mike's current band practiced not more than four blocks away, and we were within a reasonable distance from both sets of our parents. The months droned on, cold and uneventful. Things were calming down, except for the compulsive pregnancy-testing that consumed my life every month. Everywhere I went, there were giant reminders of my failure. I couldn't even go to the mall without being bombarded...

"WOW! You look great! I heard the good news! Congratulations! How far along are you?"
My eyes went into that Deer-In-Headlights expression. Yay, this will be the eightieth time I get to say this for the week! I gave my former co-worker a weak smile. Of course we would run into her today, and of course she would have miraculously heard about the pregnancy by now, despite me living in a different county, and hoping to never cross paths with her ever again for two lifetimes.
I cleared my throat, "Um, actually I lost the baby." Stunned silence... followed by--
"Oh. Ohmigosh I am so sorry, I had no idea. Are you ok?" It was her turn to sport the Deer-In-Headlights look I was growing so accustomed to. I nodded unconvincingly. "Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Everything is fine. It's ok, I mean you didn't know. How could you know?" I quickly wrapped up the conversation and high-tailed my ass out of the department store. That was enough shopping for one day.

I couldn't get away from the awfulness no matter where I went. It was following me everywhere. At a family reunion, a distant relative who was still in high school came in with her newborn baby. We had to leave early because I quickly turned into a sobbing mess, and Mike insisted it would be a good time to leave. At Target every check-out lane was FULL of pregnant women. I had breakdown after breakdown. I left the store in tears on many occasions. I was sure that everyone was pregnant and that they had gotten pregnant just to spite me, and now they were also stalking me to remind me of how much of a failure I was. And as if that wasn't enough for one person to handle, there was my mother.

Now for those of you who did not have the distinct pleasure of knowing my mom, let me explain a little something. She knew absolutely. everyone. She was on the school board. She was my Girl Scout Troop's leader. She was PTA president. She was the choir and youth director at our church. If there was a job to do, she did it. Besides that, she had eight siblings and still had ties in her hometown, only a half-hour away from where we lived. So naturally, word got out quickly that she was sick, and naturally, it seemed like everyone in the free world wanted to talk about her sickness everytime we came into contact. On one hand, it is very comforting and somewhat a relief to know so many people care about someone close to you... and on the other hand it is overwhelming and terrifying. You can't go grocery shopping without someone who knows your mother asking you a billion and a half questions about how she is doing. You can't get away from it. Even on the days when everything feels pretty normal and you are just minding your own business at Shop'N'Save, you could end up coming out bawling your eyes out because the cashier heard your mother had a terminal illness and wanted you to recount the last six months of your family's life so she could update all her friends on your mother's progress. Nowhere was safe, now.

There was just one thing that might make it all seem a little brighter. If that damn stick would just sprout a second visible line in its little window... After all, it was November now. You didn't even MEAN to get pregant the first time. It wouldn't take that long to get pregnant again. SURELY you were pregnant by now.

I walked back into the bathroom to look at the all-knowing stick. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Picked it up... opened one eye to peer down at it...

Negative.