He had signed up for the easy job. He had proposed with the expectation that our lives would be long, healthy, and normal. Happily Ever After. Isn't that what everyone expects? He had signed on to be the husband of a mentally stable, strong-willed, smart-ass. Instead, four months before the wedding he had found out that his wife-to-be had a 50% chance of developing the same disease that was going to kill her mother prematurely. On top of that, he wanted kids, and his wife-to-be had just lost her very first pregnancy... what if she couldn't have kids at all? What would he think, then? Mental stability? Gone. She was prone to melt-downs at every turn. This was NOT the same woman he had asked to marry him. This was NOT the pre-wedding anxiety he was expecting. This was NOT the way Happily Ever After stories begin. Why didn't he leave? Why was he still here? He was always there. He was still madly in love with her.
I found myself pondering all of these irrational thoughts, but at the same time knowing full-well that Mike was probably not pondering them himself. He was still signing on. He was still going through with it all. He wasn't regretting the proposal one bit. Everything that was happening to me was happening just as much to him. He was already living the "in sickness... and for worse," parts of his upcoming nuptial vows. He didn't have to, but he was.
A co-worker who was recently re-reading her job description told me that 80% of her daily activities fell under the umbrella of the catch-all phrase found hidden at the very bottom of most job descriptions, "and other duties as assigned." How many of us really look at that phrase and prepare for all that may entail? Most of us gloss over that part of our contract (and that phrase haunts most of those I have encountered). We optimistically assume that MOST of our daily work routine will consist of using the skills and education and experiences pertinent to the title of our job and we whine and complain when outside tasks are assigned to us. "How can my boss ask me to cover the front desk today? Doesn't she know I have to take care of my case-load right now, too? Besides, I didn't go to school to become a secretary! I graduated Magna Cum Laude, for crying out loud I can't be ANSWERING PHONES ALL DAY!"
This catch-all phrase is hidden in most of the descriptions we are assigned in life. It is even hidden in the marital jargon most of us use on our wedding days. "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse." In other words, you will be required to be a friend, soul-mate, lover, partner, confidante, banker, life-goals coach, audience, inspiration, cheer leader, pillar of strength... and other duties as assigned. Yes, you expect to be a loving spouse. You expect to pick out throw rugs, curtains, and bedroom furniture. You expect to be present at the birth of your children, you expect to have to give hugs, kisses and cuddles at the appropriate times. You assume that you will be expected to be supportive and helpful around the house, and you expect that you will have to remember important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, and all holidays. But what about the rest? What about the other duties you will be assigned in the future? That's where it all falls apart for some people, isn't it? That's where the mess is.
Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) I was learning upfront that my fiance was in it for the long haul. He had had a glimpse of the worst and the sickness and he was still there. He wasn't going anywhere. We were going to be married, and no matter what else life was getting ready to throw at us, at least I knew I wouldn't be alone with the fall-out. It may not be the Happily Ever After story we thought it would be. And it was definitely going to be messier than we had originally bargained for, but sometimes you find that your area of expertise, or the role you were meant to play is buried on the side-lines. You wouldn't have found it had it not been for those "other duties as assigned."
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