The Puppy Substitute

After the miscarriage (in fact, the very next day) I got a new puppy. I didn't start out the day thinking I would get a dog that day, but things just sort of progressed in that direction. I remember that it was July 6, 2004. It was the first business day after Fourth of July, and I had an appointment with my obstetrician to discuss the weekend's events. My mom had her own doctor's appointment to attend to that day, Mike had a brand new job he was starting, my Dad of course had to work... so my Grandma went with me to the doctor.

"Well, it sounds like everything passed on it's own. I don't think surgery is warranted," my OB assured me. I nodded, speechlessly. Hadn't I just been here less than a week ago? Hadn't I been here so excited about the upcoming birth of my baby?

The OB looked at me, worriedly.

"You know, I lost a baby while I was in med. school... even though I had read all the studies, I still blamed myself for losing that baby, but it wasn't my fault," she paused for a moment and looked me square in the eyes, "and this is not your fault, either. These things just happen." I nodded again even though I really didn't feel like it. Of course it was my fault. Wasn't everything? Surely I had done something in the past to warrant the shame and guilt I now felt.

My grandmother took me back to her house. I just couldn't bear to be myself, and I don't think she could bear to leave me. Besides, after finding out I was pregnant, Mike and I decided to take my grandparents up on their offer to let us live at their house for a while after the wedding. They owned a gigantic Victorian duplex and there was a cute little apartment sitting empty on one side of the house. We could live there for a year or so and save money to buy our own place. It seemed like a perfect fit. After the miscarriage, we continued with our plans. So, I went back with Grandma. My grandpa was there and I casually asked him, "So grandpa... what would you think if we had a pet? Would that be ok?" My grandpa looked at me, "Like what? Like a dog? Do you want a dog?" My sweet Gramps... always jumping the gun and trying to make all of us grandkids happy--"Well, I mean, you know, maybe--someday. I was just wondering if it would be ok to have a dog over there... I don't want to get one if you don't want us to," I stammered.

"Why? Do you want to get a dog? You can have a dog. That's fine. Do you want a dog?" he asked. I sat and really thought about it for a moment. I had had a dog my entire life. Once I moved out of my parents' house, I wouldn't really have a dog of my own. That was a fine thought while I was pregnant, but now that I had lost the baby...

"Yes, I do want a dog. Not now, but maybe someday. I mean, is it ok to have one in the apartment if we find one we want?"

Not an hour later my grandfather had driven me to the pound to look at the dogs. A litter of yellow lab/golden retriever mixes had just been brought in. They were just little yellow fluff-balls, corralled into a temporary plastic fence.

"Do you see one that you would like?" Grandpa asked. I looked over the fencing. All of the dogs were jumping up at me to get my attention... all but one. One of them was sitting as far back as possible and looking up at me with his giant brown eyes. He looked almost as sad as I felt. I bent over to pick him up. I just couldn't help myself.

"This one is cute, " I said. He was the runt of the litter. My grandpa looked him over. "He's not very sociable... but he sure is darling, ain't he?" I looked at the dog. He had slung his head over my shoulder and was lounging comfortably while his brothers and sisters jumped against the fencing and yelped at me relentlessly. He nuzzled into my neck. I immediately fell in love.

"Yep, Grandpa... this is the one." My grandpa smiled and patted the tiny little puppy on my shoulder. "Ok. Let's go see what we have to do to take this little guy home."

The puppies had just come in and were in need of worming. We were told to come back in a few hours to pick up my new dog. I wondered what my parents would say. After all, I would be living there (with my new puppy) for a few more weeks. What would Mike say? He was a dog person and he loved retrievers... I hoped he would fall in love with this puppy the way I did. How could he not? He was so loveable and fluffy! I couldn't stop thinking about him!

The hours passed and Grandpa and I went back to claim my new pup. I couldn't believe it-- this morning I had been sitting in my OB's office ready to bawl my eyes out, and now I had this new little being to take care of! I took him back to my parents' house. Everyone fell in love with him. Mike came home from his first day at his new job and instantly loved the puppy! He was a Godsend... the only thing left to do was to name him!

"What should we name this little runt?" I asked Mike. He shrugged. It took three days to name him! Finally we settled on the name "Chase." He chased everything he saw. He chased birds, he chased babies, he chased people ten times his size... Chase was the perfect name. And he is still the perfect dog to this day (even though he still freaks out during thunderstorms)! I don't know what I would have done between the time I lost Baby Nemo and the time I got pregnant with Liv if it hadn't been for my runt-puppy--Chase.